JOY to the world!

Jesus, precious Jesus! Be my hope. Be my light. Be my way! 

When I was little Christmas meant to me lots of presents, family time, vacation from school, sleeping in late, dressing up in an outfit I never really wanted to wear, and my mom curling my hair.  Today Christmas takes on a whole new meaning, a meaning of why we are here. A Remembrance of what happened many many years ago but is oh so real today! Celebrating the birth of JESUS our savior! Everyday should be Christmas. everyday we need to celebrate the gift that was brought to us. everyday we should be worshiping. everyday we should be remembering. everyday our hearts should be full. everyday we share the story. The story that changes who we are! 

Happy Birthday Jesus! 

Luke 2:11

"Today in the town of David a Saviour has been born to you;he is the Messiah, the LORD."

Christmas EVE walk with my beloved husband! The Joy we have to live in downtown St. Charles. Bliss!

We spent Christmas eve worshiping our KING with our church family at 2Rivers we took stroll down on main street & cooked an amazing dinner!

BLESSED.

                                               our own winter wonderland! Breath taking.

                                                     OH CHRISTMAS TREE!

                                          Merry Christmas! Love, The Trotters

Thankful...

It was that time of year again. The time where, for a day or a couple days, people remember what they are most thankful for while indulging in some good food with family & friends.  As I sat around many tables throughout the weekend doing the traditional family thing, going around the table and listening to what people were thankful for this year, I couldn't help to soak in the moment.  It was almost as if I put it in slow motion as each person spoke...With every person that spoke my heart began to race more and more. My turn to speak was getting closer and closer.  As I sat there the one thing I kept thinking of to be thankful for was the one person that was not there with us, our sweet Baby.  This would had been our first thanksgiving together, I imagined what he would be dressed in, would it be the typical outfit that read "Baby's First Thanksgiving" or would I refuse to follow all "First" outfits and have him in sweater and of course cute shoes!

It was my turn...
"I am thankful for a healthy healed body and supportive family"

that's it. that's all I said. BUT it's not ALL

I am thankful for...
GOD- who has never left my side. Even when the pain had such a dark cover over my heart, God's light is so bright I always see him and he sees me! Even though God was able to hold our baby in his arms before I ever did, he still gave me my baby to carry for 4 months. Four beautiful months.
Baby Trotter- with out you, I would never know what it feels to love like a mother. The love a mother has for her child is one of the best loves! I view life so different, I am still learning from this whole chapter in my life. Your life was taken so mine could be saved. not just to save my human body, but my soul, my spirit, my heart.  I love you dearly and my life has changed because of YOU!
love you ALWAYS!
love,
mommy
My dearest husband- what a blessing you are! This year I truly found out how much you love me and how much my love is for you!  You never left my side. countless emergency room "dates", oh so many doctor appointments, seeing your wife go through so many scans, shots, seeing the pain it brought to me physically and emotionally, you were my inspiration to be strong.  Seeing the pain in your eyes as I lied in a hospital bed and your words spoke "I wish I could do this all for you" is something that I will never forget. Thank you Thank you THANK YOU for being such a great husband! Thank you for making me laugh when all I want to do is cry. Thank you for all you do around the house, seriously a rock star! I love how you love God and our family! You are such a leader in our home and I could not ask for more! I am so thankful I get to wake up to your handsome face every morning!
love you much!

love your adoring little "honey bear"

Family & Friends!- I am thankful for your love and health! God blessed me with the right people to be there for Adam and I and continue to be there for us! Thank you for your hearts and encouraging words, even when I didn't want to talk or was not "myself".  Thanks for putting up with me :)
we love you ALL.

I am thankful for ALL of God's blessings.

~Jess

"Give Thanks to the LORD, for he is good: his love endures forever"- Psalm 118

A Walk For Remembrance and Hope.

Walk for Remembrance and Hope.

On October 2nd, 2010 there was a walk for family and friends who have lost their little ones, whether through early pregnancy loss or as an infant. It was held at Creve Coeur park in STL and sponsored by the support group SHARE (www.nationalshare.org).  They held a memorial service where they announced each child's name and they handed out balloons so when your child's name was called (Baby Trotter) you and your family released a yellow balloon.

They also had pink and blue ribbons they handed out for us to wear.  After the memorial service the walk began, you could walk the 1 mile or the 3 mile route. We decided to walk the 3 mile route.  We were blessed to have Adam's parents there with us on that day, so we all four walked together not only for Baby Trotter but for all the families that have experienced the same lost as we did. It was bittersweet to come together with everyone on that day and we plan on doing it again next year.

Baby Trotter's Due Date 8/24/2010

Angel of Hope

This day, August 24th, 2010, I knew would come. I was not sure how I would feel when this day finally arrived. Adam and I took the day off work to spend it together. Adam planned the day out and it was perfect. One thing we wanted to do was to visit the 'Angel of Hope' statue in Saint Charles, which was part of a support group, SHARE, for parents who have suffered early pregnancy lost and other reasons for the loss of a child. Adam and I attend SHARE a couple times about 2 months after the loss of Baby. 

The statue and surrounding area is intended to be a place of peace and healing for all bereaved parents. 

There are memorial bricks placed around the Angel of Hope twice a year in a brick dedication ceremony, held in April, before Mother's Day and Father's Day, and in November, in time for the holiday season.

When we arrived there and seen all the bricks with family names on them my heart just ached for all these families because, I too, knew the pain in their own hearts. 

So for Mother's Day this year SHARE had this thing on butterflies that they gave to the mom's. It said along the lines of butterflies are memories of the children we have lost. So with that Adam's mom gave me a small jewelry glass box that had butterflies on it, which brings me to this...When Adam and I went to the statue we walked around and read some of the names and then came together and just stood in front of the statue and just then about 10 yellow butterflies just surrounded us out of no where! It gave us chills and was very emotional and amazing! The butterflies were there for about 30 seconds and then they all flew away except for one. That one butterfly stayed around us the whole time we were there. At that moment, I almost felt a sense of peace from God. It was a magical moment we will never forget!

Here is the yellow butterfly. 

Later on that day we went to Build-A-Bear and built a cream colored bear and named it HOPE! 

JharderPhotograpy

Our dear friend John Harder, did a photo shoot with us and told our story! Here is his work. Thank you John!

So about 5 months ago I started to get to know my now good friends Adam and Jessica. Unlike most of my friendships we became close...fast. When I met these two they were expecting their first child. A HUGE adjustment in life after being married for such a short time. They were excited, obviously, just like every new parent. Jess had pictures of the baby bump and Adam would boast about the fact that he would soon be a dad.


It wasn't long after knowing these two that I got a message from Adam saying : "Found out today that we lost Baby Trotter, appreciate the prayers." What a blow, like sucker punch to the stomach. Obviously myself as well as an abundance of other friends and family began to pray for these two....and pray hard. Jessica had a LONG road ahead of her physically as they both did emotionally. After the loss of baby Trotter, Adam bought a necklace for Jessica that they designed. On one side is engraved the date they found out they were pregnant as well as the date of the surgery. On the other side it says "baby Trotter, we love and miss you, love mommy and daddy". Attatched to the necklace is an angel and the march birth stone.

I know that there are so many people out there in the world that know what these two have had to go through, but I can't even imagine. It's heartbreaking to know that your close friends, who you love, have to go through something so devistating. There comes a point when your words aren't going to do anything. All you can do is pray and let them know that you will be there. It's such a helpless feeling, but I know that these two feel the love of the people around them knowing they have people they can lean on in this hard time.


As I've grown to know these two better something I can tell without question is how much Adam is in love with his wife. I asked the two of them some questions about their relationship and this is what Jessica had to say about Adam:

"I have never had anyone (a man) be by my side (besides God) as much as Adam. During this time he truly showed me unconditional love, "in sickness and in health". He went to all the doctors appointments with me and never once made me feel like he would rather be doing anything else besides being right by my side.....In the past 6 months Adam has truly learned how to put me before himself. Unfortunately, on March 1st, 2010 I have never seen so much pain in anybodies eyes as I did my husbands when the doctor said " I am sorry to say there is no heartbeat coming from your baby". With this pain I have seen Adam grow into the man/husband I know God set out for Adam to be and I have seen Adam and I's love not only grow much more for each other but also for our Creator!"


Every week Jessica has had to go get her blood work done. She has had to receive a form of chemo treatment. There was even a night when I went over to their house to spend time with friends and it ended up in a trip to the Emergency Room. Yes this woman is strong. She is one of the tiniest people I know, but have no doubts, this woman is STRONG.

When I asked Adam what he admired most about Jessica as she went through all of this he answered:

I admire her strength both physically, and spiritually! She's a trooper and can handle a lot more than I can!.....it would be easy to turn to other "things" to help her through these times, but she turns to God as her source of strength and encouragement!

I love how much he loves her.


As their friend, the amazing thing I find about these two is that they haven't lost their sense of humor. While at times they are down, as ANYONE would be, their spirit has shown through incredibly. The times I have laughed the hardest in the last 6 months have been with these two. Even in their trials they know how to bring a smile to the faces of the people around them.


Some time back Adam wrote a song called Trials before all of this had happend. Part of the song reads:

"Send me through the fire. Send me through the pain. I would go through suffering, all for your name."

I'm sure he had no idea what path their lives would take when he wrote that, but these two have definitely been through the fire and pain and have had their share of suffering. Another line in that song reads:

"I'm praying for your presence now."

I'm pretty sure whether they have said those words or not that that has been the prayer of their heart more than a few times through all of this.

Adam and Jessica,
This is not a tragedy that has just happened to you. This is a story that is bigger than anyone can understand that you have a part in. I would never wish what has happened to you upon anyone, but the fact is that you are going to play a HUGE role in some people's lives. I can't even imagine what God's plan is for you. Whatever it is, I know it is big. The time that I have known you two has been short, but I do love you guys and am so very grateful for your friendship.

Love & Peace to you both!


-John

Our Journey with our Baby Trotter

Adam and I found out we were expecting on December 11th, 2009! Little did we know what God had in store for us. 

15 weeks pregnant with Baby Trotter

"Our God is greater, our God is stronger

God You are higher than any other

Our God is Healer, awesome and power

Our God, Our God… "

"God uses pain to produce humility and build character" -Ron- 2Rivers Church

God's timeline for our pain is always different from our own timeline.

"...though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that our faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed" 1Peter 1:6-7

"You alone can rescue, you alone can save"

Rain down on us, Lord, we need you.