missing Haiti

It's almost been 3 years.

I remember...the sounds of the city, the smell, the long nights of people chanting and screaming into microphones for hours of the night. I remember my first night there as I laid on a thin mattress on a marble floor with the outside around me. I remember looking at the ceiling and seeing all the lizards come alive and crawl all around. I remember being humbled at that very moment. I didn't have my big bed, I didn't have my fan or big body pillow next to me. I didn't have an inclosed area around me to not worry about the outside world coming into my space. I was truly humbled. I never want to forget.

Going to Port Au Prince, Haiti I thought I was going to teach these little children something. Instead, they taught me, they taught me a lot. The week that I was there I learned what it meant to do God's work. What it meant to be humbled. What it meant to be blessed and what it meant to be happy. I met the happiest children in Haiti. I saw God in Haiti. I found myself in Haiti. I found a since of understanding in Haiti. Haiti did not need me, I needed Haiti. I needed this experiment to grow me. To grow my walk with Christ. I am so thankful for the experience I had there at House Of Hope. Thankful for that puzzle piece in my life. I yearn to go back to Port Au Prince. My heart desires to do more work there. Maybe not in the same place but for sure Haiti. One day I hope we meet again.

Refreshed & loved.

March and August are marked in my heart. It's August again, and I can't help to think we would be planning your first birthday party. I try not to let my thoughts wonder too much on "what would had been" but it seems to seep into my heart a little. I focus my attention at this moment on the Miracle God has given us growing within me, 30 weeks pregnant with a precious baby GIRL!
The past month or two I have struggled with fear, panic attacks and lots of anxiety. I never had any of those feelings before until our Journey began last year with our sweet Baby Trotter. They are awful feelings that come when you least expect and feeling like you have no control is the worst. At first I was not sure where the root of the fear was coming from, but now I know. The fear of something going wrong, again. The panic of the unknown of how this process of "child birthing" is going to occur, afraid I will not have enough strength. Anxiety of being a mom, a Godly mom.  I have been praying for all of these sinful feelings to disappear and a lot of them did last night, God spoke through my husband. A moment last night I will cherish forever.
I was so grateful to be able to sit outside on cool night with Adam and talk about GOD! Talk about our beliefs, our journey that we are oh so thankful for, talk about what God is doing within us and how we want to continue to grow closer to him as a couple and how we will show HIS love to Tenley. Talked about planting God's seed in our friends and family and how we continue to do so. I needed this time and deep conversation with my best friend and leader in my family. So blessed to have this time to invest in one another with out the craziness of the world. I feel refreshed. Thank you hubby for your encouragement, support and words. I love you dearly and so excited for this chapter in our lives. I am blessed by our love.

"Then Jesus told them, 'You are going to have the light just a little longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. The man who walks in the dark does not know where he is going." 
-John 12:35

I find my hope and strength in our savior. We are all looking for something to cling onto, we are all looking to find our identity. The way we act and our character is the reflection and overflow of our hearts. I pray people will always see God flowing through my heart. This is not my story that he just happens to be apart of, this is God's story he is writing through me. A story I don't deserve. BUT this is a story I will treasure!