loss.
I don't think any of us go through this life without going through some sort of loss. Rather that's a loss of a grandparent, parent, spouse, child or a friend. Maybe it was even a loss of a dream. Losing someone is hard, period. You have waves of grief that will come and go. Most waves come heavy around certain dates and even more so when you are coming into the holidays. I remember when we suffered the loss of our Baby Trotter at 4 months gestational and the first holiday after his due date was Thanksgiving. Click
here to read that post. That was hard. I felt there was an empty seat at the table. He should have been there, selfishly he should still be here. We never had any traditions with him, we never got to experience that as first time parents with him that year. I've never lost a parent but this year I came awful close, way too close. I've known friends who this year lost a parent and friends who have lost their child or a child in the family. Grief is hard and it looks different for everyone and I don't believe it ever goes away. I believe we put things in place for us to lean on and turn to. I believe you don't have to stay or feel stuck in a certain season of grief. You learn ways to cope, you learn ways to remember and honor your loved one(s).
If you have lost a loved one this year, I mourn with you. The next couple months and even years will be hard. It's a time of thankfulness, its time of celebration and a time of traditions. It's a time to be around the ones you love the most. This holiday season might be your first season of an
empty seat.
I'd love to help walk along side you this year of an empty seat. I may not know you or who that seat was for...but I'd love to take the time out for you and I to sit across from each other as if we were meeting for coffee. I'd love to share my experience and what the Lord has placed on my heart to help in this season. I know we all grieve differently and this may not be helpful but I pray God chooses the right eyes and heart to see this that need it.
communicate. communicate. communicate. - this is easier said then done. we would all like to think people should know what we want or need but they don't know. Be careful about placing those exceptions on others...it's dangerous. I would encourage you to sit down with your friends or family that you will be spending the holidays with and talk about what you want that day to look like. If it's too hard to communicate face to face maybe you send out an email to your loved ones and share your heart. Share things you desire to happen or things you want to avoid. Do you want a certain tradition to still happen? Maybe that loved one who is no longer with you made a delicious pie. You might not even think about these things until the holiday is actually here.
Remembering and honoring. - Ask yourself how you want to remember and honor your loved one. I know for us we hang a tiny stocking up with our other living children's stockings and we even have a ornament someone got us that says "parents to be 2009" on it. Maybe your loved one had a favorite flower and you could use those as a center piece. Maybe you have a special item or even a color that reminds you of that person (ours has always been butterflies and the color yellow for our BT) Maybe you attempt to make that pie or have someone else make it. You do whatever you need to do to get through this first empty seat holiday.
expectations. - remember what I said about expectations... yea its dangerous. even more so when you put them on yourself. Give yourself grace. Allow yourself to cry. Give yourself time. Don't try to create it to be the same because it just won't and then you will be so hard on yourself and feel like you failed and that's not the case at all.
Traditions - our lives are always changing. people are going, new people are coming and traditions stay and go and can look different every year. Like I said above what old traditions do you want to keep and what new traditions do you want to make. Maybe you have lost your loved one many moons ago and you have always desired to start a new tradition. It is NEVER too late to start, never. Maybe it's helpful that the weekend or day(s) before the actual holiday you come together with your family and you share memories and photos, videos and stories of that loved one. Maybe you share the hopes and dreams you had of that loved one. You set aside a day to release those heavy tears, you get a day to love and remember and talk about past holidays where that seat was full. You might just need that day to get through the holidays.
I would like to take a second and speak to the family members and friends who know someone who will specifically be affected more so this first empty seat season.
Be patient. Be present. Say their loved ones name (unless they have communicated to you that isn't what they want) Listen to their needs. Communicate with them. If you got the chance to meet them and spend a holiday with them share with them your favorite holiday memory with that person. I think one of the best questions you can ask them is
"How can I best love you during this holiday season?" They may not know and that's ok. Be patient and show them grace. Be a team! Allow them to grieve. Pray with them. Pray over them. Pray for them.
This first holiday without them will be hard. I encourage you to be still before the Lord and ask for his strength (Philippians 4:13) as you navigate through this holiday season. I pray that empty seat is filled with lovely memories and new traditions or if you didn't have the chance to meet that loved one, I pray its filled with hope. I know either way that empty seat will always be filled with Gods mercy, love and faithfulness.
xo
jess
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
"He is near to the broken hearted" Psalm 34:18
