missing Haiti

It's almost been 3 years.

I remember...the sounds of the city, the smell, the long nights of people chanting and screaming into microphones for hours of the night. I remember my first night there as I laid on a thin mattress on a marble floor with the outside around me. I remember looking at the ceiling and seeing all the lizards come alive and crawl all around. I remember being humbled at that very moment. I didn't have my big bed, I didn't have my fan or big body pillow next to me. I didn't have an inclosed area around me to not worry about the outside world coming into my space. I was truly humbled. I never want to forget.

Going to Port Au Prince, Haiti I thought I was going to teach these little children something. Instead, they taught me, they taught me a lot. The week that I was there I learned what it meant to do God's work. What it meant to be humbled. What it meant to be blessed and what it meant to be happy. I met the happiest children in Haiti. I saw God in Haiti. I found myself in Haiti. I found a since of understanding in Haiti. Haiti did not need me, I needed Haiti. I needed this experiment to grow me. To grow my walk with Christ. I am so thankful for the experience I had there at House Of Hope. Thankful for that puzzle piece in my life. I yearn to go back to Port Au Prince. My heart desires to do more work there. Maybe not in the same place but for sure Haiti. One day I hope we meet again.

Refreshed & loved.

March and August are marked in my heart. It's August again, and I can't help to think we would be planning your first birthday party. I try not to let my thoughts wonder too much on "what would had been" but it seems to seep into my heart a little. I focus my attention at this moment on the Miracle God has given us growing within me, 30 weeks pregnant with a precious baby GIRL!
The past month or two I have struggled with fear, panic attacks and lots of anxiety. I never had any of those feelings before until our Journey began last year with our sweet Baby Trotter. They are awful feelings that come when you least expect and feeling like you have no control is the worst. At first I was not sure where the root of the fear was coming from, but now I know. The fear of something going wrong, again. The panic of the unknown of how this process of "child birthing" is going to occur, afraid I will not have enough strength. Anxiety of being a mom, a Godly mom.  I have been praying for all of these sinful feelings to disappear and a lot of them did last night, God spoke through my husband. A moment last night I will cherish forever.
I was so grateful to be able to sit outside on cool night with Adam and talk about GOD! Talk about our beliefs, our journey that we are oh so thankful for, talk about what God is doing within us and how we want to continue to grow closer to him as a couple and how we will show HIS love to Tenley. Talked about planting God's seed in our friends and family and how we continue to do so. I needed this time and deep conversation with my best friend and leader in my family. So blessed to have this time to invest in one another with out the craziness of the world. I feel refreshed. Thank you hubby for your encouragement, support and words. I love you dearly and so excited for this chapter in our lives. I am blessed by our love.

"Then Jesus told them, 'You are going to have the light just a little longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. The man who walks in the dark does not know where he is going." 
-John 12:35

I find my hope and strength in our savior. We are all looking for something to cling onto, we are all looking to find our identity. The way we act and our character is the reflection and overflow of our hearts. I pray people will always see God flowing through my heart. This is not my story that he just happens to be apart of, this is God's story he is writing through me. A story I don't deserve. BUT this is a story I will treasure!

2 Sweet, Beautiful Years!

It's crazy to think just two years ago (May 30th, 2009) I married the most caring, loving, good looking, HOT, funny, and an amazing man of God! As I woke up this morning I began to think of how the past two years of marriage has shaped us both, and it's amazing to me how much we have both grown together and to God in such, what seems like, a short period of time. We are so blessed with this life journey we are on together and it warms my heart that he is forever mine during this walk.

As I look around the house it is bitter sweet to know this house that is filled with so many memories will no longer be our home soon. In about 11 days we will be packing up and moving to a new state, new town, new church, new friends, new family, and a new house. Looking back when Adam and I were dating we would talk about living in Saint Louis and raising a family here and going to our parent's house for sunday dinners, but God has shaped our hearts and has lead us to different places and desires for our family, which is ok. I am very excited for this next chapter in our lives and knowing no matter where God leads us, our house and our family will always be built on God's love! In HIM we trust!

The past TWO years we have made such a beautiful family that I cherish so deeply. Adam and I have our sweet Baby Trotter who is with our heavenly father, we have sweet Baby Girl, Tenley, who is due the beginning of October and of course we have our spoiled and cute King Charles Spaniel, Prince.
Marriage is such a BEAUTIFUL thing and I know we will continue to be on this journey for GOD together and I pray I will always be a Godly women for Adam and continue to encourage him and love him for many, many years to come! THANK YOU sweet husband for 2 Sweet, Beautiful YEARS! You are the LOVE of my Life!

"Forever can never be long enough for me

To feel like I've had long enough with you

Forget the world now, we won't let them see

But there is one thing left to do

Marry me TODAY and EVERYDAY"

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."Eph 5:31-33

Mother's Day

I woke up this morning having a heavy heart. I thought about my life a year ago on Mothers day... I remember it was a really tough day after losing our sweet baby 2 months before. I remember my family took a trip and I was unable to see my mom that day, I believe I laid in bed all day. It was just the beginning of God working in my life and making me the women I am today and yearn to be. Now a year later, I can see who I was and who I am today and I owe to our savior for seeing me through all my pain and long road of medical treatments. Today I am almost 18 weeks pregnant with a sweet gift from God that was so unexpected but so cherished. Today my heart is heavy for children who have lost their moms, for moms who have also lost their children in some point in life, and for friends who have tried and tried to become moms. My heart aches for all of them.  My dear friends, you hold a special place in my heart, you might not know it but you have taught me so much. I see God working in your lives and it brings me much Joy when I see HIM shine through you. HIS plan is perfect, we might not agree with his timeline but we have to trust. I know HE is going to do great things!

I love you MOM! Thanks for always letting me know you are here for me for all trails of life, thanks for being the wind beneath my wings!

"We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise"

Blessings - Laura Story

JOY to the world!

Jesus, precious Jesus! Be my hope. Be my light. Be my way! 

When I was little Christmas meant to me lots of presents, family time, vacation from school, sleeping in late, dressing up in an outfit I never really wanted to wear, and my mom curling my hair.  Today Christmas takes on a whole new meaning, a meaning of why we are here. A Remembrance of what happened many many years ago but is oh so real today! Celebrating the birth of JESUS our savior! Everyday should be Christmas. everyday we need to celebrate the gift that was brought to us. everyday we should be worshiping. everyday we should be remembering. everyday our hearts should be full. everyday we share the story. The story that changes who we are! 

Happy Birthday Jesus! 

Luke 2:11

"Today in the town of David a Saviour has been born to you;he is the Messiah, the LORD."

Christmas EVE walk with my beloved husband! The Joy we have to live in downtown St. Charles. Bliss!

We spent Christmas eve worshiping our KING with our church family at 2Rivers we took stroll down on main street & cooked an amazing dinner!

BLESSED.

                                               our own winter wonderland! Breath taking.

                                                     OH CHRISTMAS TREE!

                                          Merry Christmas! Love, The Trotters

Thankful...

It was that time of year again. The time where, for a day or a couple days, people remember what they are most thankful for while indulging in some good food with family & friends.  As I sat around many tables throughout the weekend doing the traditional family thing, going around the table and listening to what people were thankful for this year, I couldn't help to soak in the moment.  It was almost as if I put it in slow motion as each person spoke...With every person that spoke my heart began to race more and more. My turn to speak was getting closer and closer.  As I sat there the one thing I kept thinking of to be thankful for was the one person that was not there with us, our sweet Baby.  This would had been our first thanksgiving together, I imagined what he would be dressed in, would it be the typical outfit that read "Baby's First Thanksgiving" or would I refuse to follow all "First" outfits and have him in sweater and of course cute shoes!

It was my turn...
"I am thankful for a healthy healed body and supportive family"

that's it. that's all I said. BUT it's not ALL

I am thankful for...
GOD- who has never left my side. Even when the pain had such a dark cover over my heart, God's light is so bright I always see him and he sees me! Even though God was able to hold our baby in his arms before I ever did, he still gave me my baby to carry for 4 months. Four beautiful months.
Baby Trotter- with out you, I would never know what it feels to love like a mother. The love a mother has for her child is one of the best loves! I view life so different, I am still learning from this whole chapter in my life. Your life was taken so mine could be saved. not just to save my human body, but my soul, my spirit, my heart.  I love you dearly and my life has changed because of YOU!
love you ALWAYS!
love,
mommy
My dearest husband- what a blessing you are! This year I truly found out how much you love me and how much my love is for you!  You never left my side. countless emergency room "dates", oh so many doctor appointments, seeing your wife go through so many scans, shots, seeing the pain it brought to me physically and emotionally, you were my inspiration to be strong.  Seeing the pain in your eyes as I lied in a hospital bed and your words spoke "I wish I could do this all for you" is something that I will never forget. Thank you Thank you THANK YOU for being such a great husband! Thank you for making me laugh when all I want to do is cry. Thank you for all you do around the house, seriously a rock star! I love how you love God and our family! You are such a leader in our home and I could not ask for more! I am so thankful I get to wake up to your handsome face every morning!
love you much!

love your adoring little "honey bear"

Family & Friends!- I am thankful for your love and health! God blessed me with the right people to be there for Adam and I and continue to be there for us! Thank you for your hearts and encouraging words, even when I didn't want to talk or was not "myself".  Thanks for putting up with me :)
we love you ALL.

I am thankful for ALL of God's blessings.

~Jess

"Give Thanks to the LORD, for he is good: his love endures forever"- Psalm 118

A Walk For Remembrance and Hope.

Walk for Remembrance and Hope.

On October 2nd, 2010 there was a walk for family and friends who have lost their little ones, whether through early pregnancy loss or as an infant. It was held at Creve Coeur park in STL and sponsored by the support group SHARE (www.nationalshare.org).  They held a memorial service where they announced each child's name and they handed out balloons so when your child's name was called (Baby Trotter) you and your family released a yellow balloon.

They also had pink and blue ribbons they handed out for us to wear.  After the memorial service the walk began, you could walk the 1 mile or the 3 mile route. We decided to walk the 3 mile route.  We were blessed to have Adam's parents there with us on that day, so we all four walked together not only for Baby Trotter but for all the families that have experienced the same lost as we did. It was bittersweet to come together with everyone on that day and we plan on doing it again next year.