transitioning. raw. one year

It's crazy to think about what my life was like a year ago. Adam and I were packing up our first house, having many last "dates" with friends and remembering all the memories we had made.  I believe my excitement may have pushed any other feelings my body was trying to express at that time, but I was ready, ready to start our new lives as we embraced God's plan for us. We took the leap. Of course we were sad to leave our friends and families and the life we knew in STL but we had been praying for many many months that God would open doors for us and that HE did.

As I reflect on my life from June 2011 to June 2012 the only word that sums it up is Transitioning. I don't think I have ever been through so many transitions in my life, I am thankful for all of them because they have changed me.

I remember pulling up to our apartment and seeing all kinds of wonderful people ready to help us move in! I couldn't believe all the love we were already feeling. Our apartment was stocked with drinks, food, paper plates, cleaning supplies and much more. As soon as we opened the doors people were in there cleaning and unloading our u-haul truck. As the weekend went on our families helped us put stuff away and unload any last items. At 5 months pregnant, this was a job.

On Sunday our families left. I remember standing outside our apartment door, Adam was holding our dog, Prince and I was holding Adams hand as we waved good-bye to our families as they pulled away. My mom never cried infront of me but as they turned the corner I could see her breaking. My mom and I have never had to experience being separated for a long period of time, let alone live in different cities. I had to transition my life without her physically there when I needed her.

Adam and I walked in our apartment sat on the couch and we both looked at each other and said "Is this for real? What do we do now?"

As time went on I was so wrapped up in getting our lives ready for this sweet baby to come into our world. It seemed like it took me forever to try and fit everything we owned into this little space! I had stuff tucked away EVERYWHERE. I had kitchen stuff in our bedrooms, it was tight. I made a ton of hair bows and decor for Tenley's room. I think I did some sort of craft everyday. I went home a couple times for babyshowers, which meant more stuff to put in this little space but we were blessed.  I learned how to cook more than just our regular "AJ meal" I became a little domestic wifey :)

It was hard to have anyone over because it felt like we were sitting on top of each other!

The first of August came and all my teacher friends back home were going back to work. I was sad but also grateful that I had the opportunity to stay home.  I wanted to be there with them. I wanted my desk in Jill's room again. I wanted my friends who knew me, knew my story. My friends who were there through one of the hardest times in my life. I wanted to do life with my lovely, funny, amazing, and strong friends at Lawson. I had to prepare to transition into my new career, being a mom.

It happened, something I never really thought about or processed. On August 24th, I got a phone call, "Jessica, uncle Ken passed away this morning"- I felt hopeless. I was 7 1/2 months pregnant 8 hours from my family in Kansas and I couldn't be there. The day was already a little hard for me, baby Trotters due date was exactly a year ago that day. My family had the funeral for my uncle a couple days later and that was very difficult not being able to love and support my Aunt and family.

Once September hit I was done. I was tired, sleepy all the time, my back hurt something fierce and I was not comfortable in my own skin, so I isolated myself.

October came and so did my due date. Of course on "Trotter time" Tenley was late! But on October 18th, 2011 at 9:59pm Tenley Marie Trotter was born and our whole world changed. I was thankful my mom was able to be a part of that special day with us and happy Adam's parents were able to come up as well. But then they all had to leave. We transitioned.

Having a baby away from your family is hard, period. We loved our church family and the friends we had began to form relationships with but at the time we just weren't "settled" or felt like we could just call for help.

Tenley's first 4 months were and still are a blur for me. I had the worst anxiety. I was overwhelmed. I was tired. I was sad to be away from "home". It was cold so I never wanted to leave but yet had these 4 walls caving in on me. We had a new born baby for the first time. I needed my mom. Adam and I had to learn everything together, but we GOT to do it together and that is beautiful. Even though it was a blur, I still remember it and I remember how in love I was with this beautiful person and still am today.

We went back to STL for Thanksgiving and for Christmas and it was a whirlwind. Traveling with a newborn baby and a dog, was a bit much. But we enjoyed the time we had showing off our little girl.

In the midst of having a new born baby and everything that comes with it we were house hunting. We found the perfect home and it was a short sale, which meant the biggest headache and lots of patience. We went back and fourth and finally God blessed us with a beautiful home. We became homeowners officially on December 29th. Transitioning on taking on some debt and a lot of work :)

After getting back from STL after the holidays it was time to focus our attention on getting our house ready to move in! My lovely husband and some pretty awesome friends helped paint our house, our whole house, EVERY wall in our house. It was a lot but we did it! So 8 months later after moving our lives, we were moving again. This time not as far but it was moving. We moved into our new house on my birthday. It was bittersweet. The selfish sin of mine snuck in on that day. It was the first time in 28 years I have never been without my mom and family on my birthday. It was rough. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor of our apartment with the door locked crying on the phone as quiet as I could to my mom. Earlier that morning I had ruined our couch and I think that was the icing on top of my emotions and I broke. Yes, my hormones were still transitioning. We did it, we moved in and once again stood on our porch waving good bye to Adams parents, this time holding our dog and our baby. Transition

The first 2 1/2 months living in our new home, I was putting stuff away again and making it our own. This time with a baby to take care of but I enjoyed it.

It hit me. It hit me hard. We just bought a house 4 hours from our families. We are here, this is our life now, we have our feet grounded and this is where we are going to raise our family. I began to feel guilty. I don't know why it hit me then but it did. I felt guilty for taking Tenley away from our families. I felt guilty for leaving my brother and sister. I am suppose to protect them, guide them and love on them and how am I going to do that when I am not there? My brother was getting ready to graduate high school, my sister was going into junior high and where was I? Transitioning.

Unfortunately, in March I had another bad, unexpected phone call. Another uncle of mine passed away in a motorcycle accident. It was really hard for my family.

God is doing some big things in my heart and in our lives. I have prayed. I have asked for prayer. Adam and I are blessed with such an amazing support team in STL and here in Indy. Everything I have prayed for, I have received. I don't deserve it. But I am in awe, awestruck wonder of how God has blessed me.

After all the transitioning we have been through we can finally breathe, we can finally focus now on relationships and where God has planted us. I am so excited for new things to come. I am excited for our LifeGroup and to go thru "Real Marriage" with some amazing couples. I am excited for MOPs next semester, I am excited for MOPs play dates this summer. I am excited for Tenley to go in the nursery at church so I can focus on the message and worship! I am excited to have people over to our home and have fellowship. I am excited for what God has in store for us.

Thank you family and friends for loving on me, praying for me and standing by my side while I was distant or maybe sometimes a little hesitant. Thank you to my husband who is the best partner, best friend and an amazing father! We did it, babe. We moved out of state, had a baby and bought a house in under a years times. whoa. We took that leap of faith and we landed in the right spot!

my life is beautiful. I am ready to embrace it. I know at times it can be hard but it isn't impossible with God's love!

Time to move out of Transition

six months

Tenley Marie...6 MONTHS, really?!?

I can't believe our baby girl is 6 months, she is growing so fast! I love this little stage she is in, so entertaining and learning new stuff every day! We just can't get enough of Tenley.

Oh sweet Tenley, you are the perfect mix of daddy & mommy. You can be quiet and reserved like your momma and sometimes you are just so funny your little daddy personality shows, which I just adore.

I love how much we love everything about you.


I love how happy you are in the morning, let's face it mommy needs some time to wake up but as soon as our eyes meet, you get the biggest smile on your face and I am reminded once again how beautiful a new day truly is

I love when you burry your head in the crease of my neck when you are tired. I feel your breathe and it's beautiful.

I love how you grab my fingers, even when you just want to bit them.

I love how much music brightens your eyes and makes you kick your legs

I love how you smile through your paci

I love in the middle of the night daddy will bring you in our bed and put you right next to us and in the morning you touch our faces to wake us up, it's my favorite.

I love how you recognize us.

I love how sometimes you think I am funnier than daddy, but prince is the funniest :)

I love how you reach for things you want and when it's time to put toys away and take a bath, I love how you get a little upset when a toy has to be taken from you. I love this because it's how you communicate with us. I love that bond of you starting to decide what you want and don't want.

I love when you just are so happy you scream

I love when you grab my face and bring it towards yours

I love when you are so tired you kick your legs to try and stay awake and hum through your paci as your eyes close.

I love when you try and mimic the sounds we make with our mouth.

I love hearing you talk through the baby monitor

we just laugh so much with you. Even when we can hear you fart through the baby monitor :)

I love how much love you bring in our home

I love our nicknames for you:
peanut
baby girl
little bit
cuttie cupcake
mama
pum'kin

little

I love your little teeth

I love how you smell after a bath, mmm burts bees

I love how crazy your hair can be

I truly can go on and on.... but I am sure every parent can do the same about their little.


Here is a little video:

https://vimeo.com/41121508

Motherhood

I still can't believe I am mom to this beautiful gift from God! Tenley Marie joined us on October 18th, 2011. I have grown so much since she has been in my arms and my life has surly changed! Motherhood for me consist of:

No sleep
House is not organized
You take fast showers
You eat your meals fast
Sometimes you wonder if you even ate a meal
You learn to get ready in under 10 minutes
You may walk out the front door not realizing you still have your slippers on
Your life is suddenly all one day
You have no idea what day it is
Laundry,laundry and more laundry
Spit up is your new fregerance
Leaving the house takes an hour
As a stay at home mommy, I have a new respect for working mothers! They must have some hidden power!
You have a new respect for your own mom
It's hard to talk on the phone with your dear friends
It may take you all day to do one task or chore
Going to the grocery store by yourself is a reward!
You forget everything
You keep checking in the backseat to make sure you grabbed the baby
You cry at anything
You learn to set out more than one outfit day for you AND the baby
When your husband leaves for work you look at the clock and start counting the hours until he will be home again
Seeing your husband hold his baby girl makes you fall in love with him all over again
You miss your baby even when they are just sleeping
You still can't believe you have a baby
You have this overwhelming power to try and protect your child for everything
You wonder what you did before you had a baby
You thank God everyday for this amazing gift

There is so much more that comes with being a mom but I wouldn't change it for anything! We are so blessed with this little girl!

missing Haiti

It's almost been 3 years.

I remember...the sounds of the city, the smell, the long nights of people chanting and screaming into microphones for hours of the night. I remember my first night there as I laid on a thin mattress on a marble floor with the outside around me. I remember looking at the ceiling and seeing all the lizards come alive and crawl all around. I remember being humbled at that very moment. I didn't have my big bed, I didn't have my fan or big body pillow next to me. I didn't have an inclosed area around me to not worry about the outside world coming into my space. I was truly humbled. I never want to forget.

Going to Port Au Prince, Haiti I thought I was going to teach these little children something. Instead, they taught me, they taught me a lot. The week that I was there I learned what it meant to do God's work. What it meant to be humbled. What it meant to be blessed and what it meant to be happy. I met the happiest children in Haiti. I saw God in Haiti. I found myself in Haiti. I found a since of understanding in Haiti. Haiti did not need me, I needed Haiti. I needed this experiment to grow me. To grow my walk with Christ. I am so thankful for the experience I had there at House Of Hope. Thankful for that puzzle piece in my life. I yearn to go back to Port Au Prince. My heart desires to do more work there. Maybe not in the same place but for sure Haiti. One day I hope we meet again.

Refreshed & loved.

March and August are marked in my heart. It's August again, and I can't help to think we would be planning your first birthday party. I try not to let my thoughts wonder too much on "what would had been" but it seems to seep into my heart a little. I focus my attention at this moment on the Miracle God has given us growing within me, 30 weeks pregnant with a precious baby GIRL!
The past month or two I have struggled with fear, panic attacks and lots of anxiety. I never had any of those feelings before until our Journey began last year with our sweet Baby Trotter. They are awful feelings that come when you least expect and feeling like you have no control is the worst. At first I was not sure where the root of the fear was coming from, but now I know. The fear of something going wrong, again. The panic of the unknown of how this process of "child birthing" is going to occur, afraid I will not have enough strength. Anxiety of being a mom, a Godly mom.  I have been praying for all of these sinful feelings to disappear and a lot of them did last night, God spoke through my husband. A moment last night I will cherish forever.
I was so grateful to be able to sit outside on cool night with Adam and talk about GOD! Talk about our beliefs, our journey that we are oh so thankful for, talk about what God is doing within us and how we want to continue to grow closer to him as a couple and how we will show HIS love to Tenley. Talked about planting God's seed in our friends and family and how we continue to do so. I needed this time and deep conversation with my best friend and leader in my family. So blessed to have this time to invest in one another with out the craziness of the world. I feel refreshed. Thank you hubby for your encouragement, support and words. I love you dearly and so excited for this chapter in our lives. I am blessed by our love.

"Then Jesus told them, 'You are going to have the light just a little longer. Walk while you have the light, before darkness overtakes you. The man who walks in the dark does not know where he is going." 
-John 12:35

I find my hope and strength in our savior. We are all looking for something to cling onto, we are all looking to find our identity. The way we act and our character is the reflection and overflow of our hearts. I pray people will always see God flowing through my heart. This is not my story that he just happens to be apart of, this is God's story he is writing through me. A story I don't deserve. BUT this is a story I will treasure!

2 Sweet, Beautiful Years!

It's crazy to think just two years ago (May 30th, 2009) I married the most caring, loving, good looking, HOT, funny, and an amazing man of God! As I woke up this morning I began to think of how the past two years of marriage has shaped us both, and it's amazing to me how much we have both grown together and to God in such, what seems like, a short period of time. We are so blessed with this life journey we are on together and it warms my heart that he is forever mine during this walk.

As I look around the house it is bitter sweet to know this house that is filled with so many memories will no longer be our home soon. In about 11 days we will be packing up and moving to a new state, new town, new church, new friends, new family, and a new house. Looking back when Adam and I were dating we would talk about living in Saint Louis and raising a family here and going to our parent's house for sunday dinners, but God has shaped our hearts and has lead us to different places and desires for our family, which is ok. I am very excited for this next chapter in our lives and knowing no matter where God leads us, our house and our family will always be built on God's love! In HIM we trust!

The past TWO years we have made such a beautiful family that I cherish so deeply. Adam and I have our sweet Baby Trotter who is with our heavenly father, we have sweet Baby Girl, Tenley, who is due the beginning of October and of course we have our spoiled and cute King Charles Spaniel, Prince.
Marriage is such a BEAUTIFUL thing and I know we will continue to be on this journey for GOD together and I pray I will always be a Godly women for Adam and continue to encourage him and love him for many, many years to come! THANK YOU sweet husband for 2 Sweet, Beautiful YEARS! You are the LOVE of my Life!

"Forever can never be long enough for me

To feel like I've had long enough with you

Forget the world now, we won't let them see

But there is one thing left to do

Marry me TODAY and EVERYDAY"

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."Eph 5:31-33

Mother's Day

I woke up this morning having a heavy heart. I thought about my life a year ago on Mothers day... I remember it was a really tough day after losing our sweet baby 2 months before. I remember my family took a trip and I was unable to see my mom that day, I believe I laid in bed all day. It was just the beginning of God working in my life and making me the women I am today and yearn to be. Now a year later, I can see who I was and who I am today and I owe to our savior for seeing me through all my pain and long road of medical treatments. Today I am almost 18 weeks pregnant with a sweet gift from God that was so unexpected but so cherished. Today my heart is heavy for children who have lost their moms, for moms who have also lost their children in some point in life, and for friends who have tried and tried to become moms. My heart aches for all of them.  My dear friends, you hold a special place in my heart, you might not know it but you have taught me so much. I see God working in your lives and it brings me much Joy when I see HIM shine through you. HIS plan is perfect, we might not agree with his timeline but we have to trust. I know HE is going to do great things!

I love you MOM! Thanks for always letting me know you are here for me for all trails of life, thanks for being the wind beneath my wings!

"We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise"

Blessings - Laura Story