Five years.... I can't even believe it. Five years ago is when I started this blog. It was a way for me to share our journey with family and friends, maybe in hopes of my healing process. I am a horrible writer. I make plenty of writing and grammar errors... :)
anyways...
2015 we dedicated a lot of this year to our sweet Baby Trotter (BT). We wanted to do several things in honor of his short life. We didn't want our journey with him to be forgotten. Adam and I grew closer to God and to each other through his short life. There are times I wish I was still the same person I was before March 1st, 2010. There are times I miss my old self. I wasn't so fearful. I wasn't so cautious of everything (health, people, any situation...) I never experienced a panic attack or had anxiety. I laughed more and was more laid back. As I look at myself today I can say although I lost part of myself that year, I believe I gained more. I gained more compassion for others especially during a trying time in their life. I gained more trust in God. I cherish relationships and people more and I love deeper. I am not perfect but I serve a perfect God who can heal and restore!
Here are some things we did in honor of our journey with Baby Trotter.
Decemeber 11th, 2009 we found out we were pregnant with Baby Trotter and SHARE (nationalshare.org) puts on a Angel of Hope candle light service every year in December. This year we weren't able to go and participate in this but our dear friends John and Adrienne were able to attend for us. John and Adrienne, along with our parents and other amazing friends, saw us at our lowest after losing BT. They were with us in hospital visits, they were there when I was so sick after my injections. They made us laugh during a period in our life where we felt like all we did was cry.
January- SHARE puts out a news letter for parents or anyone affected by a miscarriage or early infant loss. This month in 2015 I decided to write about our experience and how to cope after a miscarriage. My article ended up being published in their news letter.
March- March 1st, 2010 during my 16 week OB check up we found out we lost him and March 4th, 2010 was when I had surgery so we decided this year to purchase a brick in the Blanchette park in Saint Charles, MO. SHARE has an amazing area here for parents and the angle of hope statue is there too.
May- Our brick was laid and we were able to go and see it on our 6th wedding anniversary!
August- is the month BT was due. His due date was August 24th, 2010. This year days before the 5 year anniversary of his due date we found out we were pregnant! I can't even explain the overwhelming JOY and FEAR I had running through my mind and still do today. So much of this pregnancy has reminded me of his journey, rather its dates or symptoms.
October- SHARE has a walk they do every year. The last time and only time we participated in the walk was in 2010. In 2015 we wanted so badly to be there but just didn't work out. We still registered and got shirts in order for his name to be said at the ceremony.
December of 2009 is when we wrapped gifts for our families with bibs in them and announced during prayer that we were pregnant with BT. Every Christmas since then has always been a little hard because of the reminder of the first time we mentioned our sweet BT. 2015 we got to announce on Christmas the gender of our baby now, BOY! It was so good for my soul. Christmas is now going to feel a little different for me from now on.
They changed my due date from April 25th, 2016 to May 4th, 2016. Now let me just say the 1st and 4th are sometimes hard especially in March. How crazy if our Beckett Adam comes on May 1st or May 4th?? God has amazing ways to show his faithfulness and love for us and we have 2 healthy babes with us today!
My prayer is that I am able to give someone HOPE who is going through a similar journey and I can show them the love of Jesus through the journey we have been on. Since 2010 God has placed people and friends in my life that I was able to do just that. Baby Trotters life was short but my prayer is that it was and still is meaningful!
xo
jess
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