a empty seat at the table...

loss.

I don't think any of us go through this life without going through some sort of loss. Rather that's a loss of a grandparent, parent, spouse, child or a friend. Maybe it was even a loss of a dream. Losing someone is hard, period. You have waves of grief that will come and go. Most waves come heavy around certain dates and even more so when you are coming into the holidays. I remember when we suffered the loss of our Baby Trotter at 4 months gestational and the first holiday after his due date was Thanksgiving. Click here to read that post. That was hard. I felt there was an empty seat at the table. He should have been there, selfishly he should still be here. We never had any traditions with him, we never got to experience that as first time parents with him that year. I've never lost a parent but this year I came awful close, way too close.  I've known friends who this year lost a parent and friends who have lost their child or a child in the family. Grief is hard and it looks different for everyone and I don't believe it ever goes away. I believe we put things in place for us to lean on and turn to. I believe you don't have to stay or feel stuck in a certain season of grief. You learn ways to cope, you learn ways to remember and honor your loved one(s).

If you have lost a loved one this year, I mourn with you. The next couple months and even years will be hard. It's a time of thankfulness, its time of celebration and a time of traditions. It's a time to be around the ones you love the most. This holiday season might be your first season of an empty seat.

I'd love to help walk along side you this year of an empty seat. I may not know you or who that seat was for...but I'd love to take the time out for you and I to sit across from each other as if we were meeting for coffee. I'd love to share my experience and what the Lord has placed on my heart to help in this season. I know we all grieve differently and this may not be helpful but I pray God chooses the right eyes and heart to see this that need it.

communicate. communicate. communicate. - this is easier said then done. we would all like to think people should know what we want or need but they don't know. Be careful about placing those exceptions on others...it's dangerous.  I would encourage you to sit down with your friends or family that you will be spending the holidays with and talk about what you want that day to look like. If it's too hard to communicate face to face maybe you send out an email to your loved ones and share your heart. Share things you desire to happen or things you want to avoid. Do you want a certain tradition to still happen? Maybe that loved one who is no longer with you made a delicious pie. You might not even think about these things until the holiday is actually here.

Remembering and honoring. - Ask yourself how you want to remember and honor your loved one. I know for us we hang a tiny stocking up with our other living children's stockings and we even have a ornament someone got us that says "parents to be 2009" on it. Maybe your loved one had a favorite flower and you could use those as a center piece. Maybe you have a special item or even a color that reminds you of that person (ours has always been butterflies and the color yellow for our BT) Maybe you attempt to make that pie or have someone else make it.  You do whatever you need to do to get through this first empty seat holiday.

 expectations. - remember what I said about expectations... yea its dangerous. even more so when you put them on yourself. Give yourself grace. Allow yourself to cry. Give yourself time. Don't try to create it to be the same because it just won't and then you will be so hard on yourself and feel like you failed and that's not the case at all.

Traditions - our lives are always changing. people are going, new people are coming and traditions stay and go and can look different every year. Like I said above what old traditions do you want to keep and what new traditions do you want to make. Maybe you have lost your loved one many moons ago and you have always desired to start a new tradition. It is NEVER too late to start, never. Maybe it's helpful that the weekend or day(s) before the actual holiday you come together with your family and you share memories and photos, videos and stories of that loved one. Maybe you share the hopes and dreams you had of that loved one. You set aside a day to release those heavy tears, you get a day to love and remember and talk about past holidays where that seat was full. You might just need that day to get through the holidays.


I would like to take a second and speak to the family members and friends who know someone who will specifically be affected more so this first empty seat season.
Be patient. Be present. Say their loved ones name (unless they have communicated to you that isn't what they want) Listen to their needs. Communicate with them.  If you got the chance to meet them and spend a holiday with them share with them your favorite holiday memory with that person. I think one of the best questions you can ask them is "How can I best love you during this holiday season?" They may not know and that's ok. Be patient and show them grace. Be a team! Allow them to grieve. Pray with them. Pray over them. Pray for them.


This first holiday without them will be hard. I encourage you to be still before the Lord and ask for his strength (Philippians 4:13) as you navigate through this holiday season. I pray that empty seat is filled with lovely memories and new traditions or if you didn't have the chance to meet that loved one, I pray its filled with hope. I know either way that empty seat will always be filled with Gods mercy, love and faithfulness.

xo
jess


"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

"He is near to the broken hearted" Psalm 34:18

5 year anniversary of Baby Trotter

Five years.... I can't even believe it.  Five years ago is when I started this blog. It was a way for me to share our journey with family and friends, maybe in hopes of my healing process. I am a horrible writer. I make plenty of writing and grammar errors... :)

anyways...

2015 we dedicated a lot of this year to our sweet Baby Trotter (BT). We wanted to do several things in honor of his short life. We didn't want our journey with him to be forgotten. Adam and I grew closer to God and to each other through his short life. There are times I wish I was still the same person I was before March 1st, 2010. There are times I miss my old self. I wasn't so fearful. I wasn't so cautious of everything (health, people, any situation...) I never experienced a panic attack or had anxiety. I laughed more and was more laid back. As I look at myself today I can say although I lost part of myself that year, I believe I gained more. I gained more compassion for others especially during a trying time in their life. I gained more trust in God. I cherish relationships and people more and I love deeper. I am not perfect but I serve a perfect God who can heal and restore!

Here are some things we did in honor of our journey with Baby Trotter.

Decemeber 11th, 2009 we found out we were pregnant with Baby Trotter and SHARE (nationalshare.org) puts on a Angel of Hope candle light service every year in December. This year we weren't able to go and participate in this but our dear friends John and Adrienne were able to attend for us. John and Adrienne, along with our parents and other amazing friends, saw us at our lowest after losing BT. They were with us in hospital visits, they were there when I was so sick after my injections. They made us laugh during a period in our life where we felt like all we did was cry.

January- SHARE puts out a news letter for parents or anyone affected by a miscarriage or early infant loss. This month in 2015 I decided to write about our experience and how to cope after a miscarriage. My article ended up being published in their news letter.

March-  March 1st, 2010 during my 16 week OB check up we found out we lost him and March 4th, 2010 was when I had surgery so we decided this year to purchase a brick in the Blanchette park in Saint Charles, MO. SHARE has an amazing area here for parents and the angle of hope statue is there too.

May- Our brick was laid and we were able to go and see it on our 6th wedding anniversary!

August- is the month BT was due. His due date was August 24th, 2010. This year days before the 5 year anniversary of his due date we found out we were pregnant! I can't even explain the overwhelming JOY and FEAR I had running through my mind and still do today. So much of this pregnancy has reminded me of his journey, rather its dates or symptoms.

October- SHARE has a walk they do every year. The last time and only time we participated in the walk was in 2010. In 2015 we wanted so badly to be there but just didn't work out. We still registered and got shirts in order for his name to be said at the ceremony.

December of 2009 is when we wrapped gifts for our families with bibs in them and announced during prayer that we were pregnant with BT. Every Christmas since then has always been a little hard because of the reminder of the first time we mentioned our sweet BT. 2015 we got to announce on Christmas the gender of our baby now, BOY! It was so good for my soul. Christmas is now going to feel a little different for me from now on.

They changed my due date from April 25th, 2016 to May 4th, 2016. Now let me just say the 1st and 4th are sometimes hard especially in March. How crazy if our Beckett Adam comes on May 1st or May 4th?? God has amazing ways to show his faithfulness and love for us and we have 2 healthy babes with us today!

My prayer is that I am able to give someone HOPE who is going through a similar journey and I can show them the love of Jesus through the journey we have been on. Since 2010 God has placed people and friends in my life that I was able to do just that. Baby Trotters life was short but my prayer is that it was and still is meaningful!

xo
jess

Our babes...

Turns out I wrote this blog post a year ago and never posted it.... So before I write another updated post on our journey, I'll go ahead and hit publish on this one :)



It's crazy it's been a year since our last family update! We have been a little busy adding another one to the bunch :)

Here's a little update on Tenley, who is now THREE!

Tenley has took on her roll as a big sister for sure, she was a little hesitant for first couple months but Im pretty certain she loves having him around, most of the time. Tenley is pretty obsessed with Christmas, you will hear her sing Christmas songs a couple times a week if not once a day, so it's a good thing it's almost here again. I finally was able to put the nativity set away back in April. She will randomly ask where "Mar Mar" and "Jophes" are along with baby Jesus.

Tenley is a big fan of going on pretend picnics and bear hunts. Thanks to her grandma Trotter, who taught her about bear hunts, we hunt for bears ALL. DAY. LONG. Tenley also loves seek and find books. She has a Frozen one and a Princess one.  Tenley recieves highlight magazines every month and they also have a page with seek and find. She looks forward to getting her new magazine in the mail!

PUZZLES! She still LOVES puzzles. One time while we were at grandma Trotters house she was able to do a 16 piece puzzle all by herself. Tenley is a bookworm for sure, she will sit quietly in her room when I am busy with Jett and get ALL her books off her bookshelf and "read" them.  Adam and I had Tenely do swimming lessons this summer and lets just say... she cried... a lot but it got better. We just enrolled her in dance class and it's the cutest thing ever.

I started to do some preschool things with Tenley and she just loves to learn! We have been learning the states and she can identify and name 12 states. We are working on spelling her name and tracing her letters. She also is learning bible verses and it's just so awesome.

Tenley, like a lot of little girls, is a BIG fan of Frozen. She knows all the songs and we have to act out parts of the movie most days. She is always Elsa :) For her 3rd birthday we had a day filled with the 4 of us plus grandma and grandpa Trotter and everything FROZEN!

one of our favorite lines Tenley says "I just love you all the time"


Here's a little bit about Jett Edward :)

Tenley and Jett our like night and day! I felt like a new mom all over again and at times thought, I have NO idea what I am doing or what else to do. Although he is very laid back and go with the flow, he has challenged us for sure :)

For awhile if it were up to Jett, he would have mommy hold him all day...all day! He has gotten better and explores and plays more. Tenley and Jett are really starting to play together! He gets bored very easily and needs to change things up every 5-10 minutes. His favorite thing to do is take a bath! As soon as we go into the bathroom he gets so excited and starts to squeal!

His little personality is really starting to show. He is so funny just like his sissy. For awhile, I thought Jett was going to take after me and be more shy, reserved or should we say...an introvert haha but he may just be like his daddy and sissy! Jett for sure is a momma's boy and I sure hope he stays that way, he melts my heart!

Jett is ONE! 

The boy can pull some serious hair! Poor Tenley seems to always be the victim. She will walk by him and some how he can grab her hair so fast, he has some ninja like skills for sure. Poor Prince has been the victim too many times as well. Tenley is so sweet and will give Jett toys and try and play with him. I pray they are close as they get older and have a special bond. I also pray Tenley starts playing with Jett more than prince...that poor dog. Prince at some point in the day will have some kind of dress up clothes on. Prince is truly Tenley's best friend.

Tenley is TWO!

We just can't believe our peanut is TWO! Tenley has grown and learned so much in just one year. We are so proud. Here is a little catch up of what she has learned and done in one year...

Tenley learned....

how to walk

how to run, jump, skip and climb

how to identify all her letters

how to identify her colors, shapes and some numbers from 1-10

how to count from 1-10 but often feels 4 and 5 aren't necessary :)

how to identify animals and she knows their sounds

she's going to be a BIG SISTER in November. She knows his name and where his room is and that he is coming soon. For months she argued with us that it wasn't a brother she was getting but a sister... she has accepted him for now :)

what time out means...This worked for about a day. She apparently loved time out so much she would put herself there and say "mommy, count". This method was not effective so we learned that putting her in her room made a bigger impact. So she now knows "do you want to go to your room" means. So far she has only been there about a handful of times in 3 months.

She is talking more and more everyday and also repeating what she hears.

how to fold her hands and pray with mommy and daddy. Tenley likes to nominate who prays "daddy pray, no mommy pray"


Tenley loves...

Books and for mommy or daddy to read to her, she now sits through a whole book. Her favorite books are "Brown Bear Brown Bear" she has memorized it and can read the whole book to you! Another favorite is "Hop on Pop" and one more is a book from Adam's childhood called "Walter, the farting dog". Walter may have been misplaced for the moment....  :)

THE MOON! Really, she's obsessed. On her birthday eve we hung a moon that we made out of cardboard and lots of silver glitter in her room.

Goofy- daddy found her a stuffed animal goofy about a month ago and she is in love with him.

Princesses- we went to my cousin's wedding and when she saw her in her dress she called her a Princess, she may be forever Princess Jennifer.

to be outside

she still loves her Prince dog BUT she no longer loves sharing her food with him. We have to put him upstairs anytime she is eating because as soon as he gets a bite of her food, we have a full on melt down!

Puzzles

to clean! Give her a wet paper towel or wet wipe and she will be preoccupied for about 30 min cleaning her toys.

green juice. The only juice we give her is Bolt House green machine juice. She tried it one day and fell in love.

to be praised. Tenley will let you know when the time is necessary to praise her. "Mommy, yea Tenley...!"

nursery rhymes. There is some shows on our TV that do nursery rhymes and she loves them, we have a CD in the car too with them all on it. Her favorite one at this moment is ring around the rosies.

the library. We go once a week and return our books, do puzzles and pick out new ones. We recently just started going to story time on Tuesdays!

her back, legs and feet rubbed before bed. Diva!

Ranch...I recently introduced ranch to her and she will dip anything in ranch...anything.

when daddy comes home from work!


looking at pictures on our phones, she knows how to open the phone and go right to the pictures. This is how I get my shopping done and how I keep her in the cart, the girl wants to see pictures!

to feed prince his food in the morning and in evening. Sometimes, she feels it's necessary to feed prince by hand.

trash truck, every monday morning we wait at the front door for the trash truck to come.

loves getting the mail too.

playing with her kitchen set and pushing her baby around in the stroller.

friends! She has lots of friends around the same age as her and she knows all their names and looks forward to seeing them at church or on play dates!

to get her toe nails painted.

lotion. Tenley loves to get mommy's lotion and put it on her legs and arms. Tenley also loves to put lotion on mommy's legs. :)

Something New...

In July, she moved to her new big girl room and big girl bed! She was a trooper and had a smooth transition, I think mommy and daddy had a harder time with it :) Her aunt Olivia was here to help :)

Since October 8th we are paci FREE! She only got her paci at bed times and long car rides. I started that at about 6 months old because we thought it would be easier to transition her off of it. Once again her transition from no paci was great! A couple moments here and there but overall, wonderful! We even had a celebration with baking cookies!

She went to the beach this summer in Alabama, and she loved playing in the sand. We had a wonderful time with our family there over the 4th of July!

We signed her up for a play and learn gymboree 4 week class. She loved going every week and her favorite part was jumping on the jumping mat. She loves to jump!

She has become a runner. She thinks it's a game to run from us and at times it's frustrating and scary. I have chased her in a parking lot, the grocery store, the library and in our own backyard to get her inside ... this has been a challenge and also a sight I am sure for a pregnant women chasing her toddler. I now have learned to carry her more, let her scream in the cart or stroller or hold her hand for dear life.

In other news....

Tenley has all of her teeth except her two year molars. Only 4 more teeth to go... She has been teething since she was 4 months old!

We thought she may be left handed but lately she uses her right hand to color and draw.

Tenley had her first big virus in August. Her fever spiked as high as 104, mommy and daddy were a nervous wreck!  Her symptom was only a fever for 72 hours. It was the longest 3 days but we were thankful that grandma and grandpa Trotter were here to help us out and nurse mama was on call for us 24/7 :)

We found out that Tenley is really allergic to mosquito's bites. She got bit for the first time at daddy's soccer game and for almost 2 weeks the bites on her leg got pretty swollen and infected.

Tenley has not yet officially been tested for peanut butter allergy yet, we stay clear of it for now because of the reactions she has had in past.

We are SUPER excited for Thanksgiving this year not only because we will have a new baby in our lives but also because our families are coming to our house this year! Mama, Papa, uncle Bubby, auntie O, Grandma and Grandpa Trotter, Uncle David, Aunt Erin, cousins Isaac, Clare, Anthony and new baby cousin, Dominic! It's going to be a full house but a happy house!

"Honey, they're family! They aren't strangers off the street." -Christmas Vacation

We sure do miss our family and friends back home and wish you all could see Tenley grow up every day!Adam and I are so thankful for our family here who have embraced us, been there for us and loved us. We have such great friends here who love Tenley! We hope this gave you a good catch up of our sweet TWO YEAR old!

xo

The Trotters

Tenley lately

Crazy to think Tenley is just 4 months away from being TWO!

she is growing and learning everyday. She is such a joy to be around and she brings a smile to anyone :)

Some things Tenley has been into these days:

She LOVES her baby doll. It's amazing how nurturing kids can be without even being taught. Tenley rocks her baby and pushes her in the stroller.

We also, just got her a kitchen, she is learning to play with it and figure it out.

Tenley really loves books, she will sit and pretend to read the book. She isn't a fan of anyone reading to her. We will read the first 2 words and she says "all done" and then continues to bring you a new book. One of her favorite books is a animal and things book. She is doing really well with labeling what things are, we ask her where a certain animal or thing is and she can almost identify everything.

Tenley enjoys puzzles as well. She has a shape puzzle and animal puzzle that she does everyday. (we need more variety)

Tenley also enjoys being outside! We love taking her to the park near our house, they have a little playground that's just her size! She now can go down the slide all by herself, she also enjoys the teeter toter. When we go outside in our backyard she loves to swing and play in her playhouse. Most of the time she literally follows Prince around. :) Getting her back inside is tricky...my neighbors must think I'm hurting her because she literally screams for dear life. If you have ever heard Tenley, you know she has some lungs!

Speaking of our dog, Prince... Tenley ADORES Prince! She gives him hugs and kisses all day long. Prince is so good with her. Tenley chases him, sits on him, feeds him, and she likes to put his leash on him and walk him around the house. Anytime Tenley is playing and she doesn't see him, she stands up and yells PRINCE really loud until he comes to her. They are a hoot to watch.

At church, Tenley is now in the toddler room. She loves it! They do some coloring or craft every week and learn about Jesus!

Adam and I are working on Tenley's big girl room, we are pretty much done just some things to be hung here and there. We have been playing and getting Tenley use to her new room since she will be making the switch to a new room AND big girl bed in the beginning of September! We pray this is an easy Transition for her and mommy and daddy :) Having another baby on the way soon we have to do this sooner than we wanted.

Some cute things about Tenley these days:

She now says bless you when someone sneezes. She told some lady bless you tonight at the store and it was so cute! She also says please, thank you and your welcome, her little voice is the cutest!

Tenley gets SUPER excited when anyone comes over, even when daddy gets home from work! She screams really loud and gets her hands moving while telling you some story. She for sure talks with her hands!

Whenever she wants you to pick her up, instead of saying "up" she says "hold you, hold you" it melts my heart every time.

Let's face it... there are too many cute things she does!

Random facts:

As of right now, she is considered allergic to peanut butter because of reactions she is getting from it. She will officially be tested for it at her 2 year apt. Her first blood work :( praying she isn't severely allergic!

Tenley gets hot fast! We can be outside for 3 min and her cheeks are super rosy. She also has hot feet...allll the time!

When Adam leaves in the mornings he gives all of us kisses and Tenley makes sure he doesn't forget but she also makes sure prince gets one too!

Tenley is a picky eater just like her momma. She's also not a big eater. At her 18 month apt she finally broke the 20 pound mark! 20 pounds 5 oz to be exact haha she is a little thing.

Tenley is a lefty just like her grandpa Beckley and her grandpa Spilker

We have learned not to put shoes on her feet or do her hair before we go anywhere because the first thing she does in the car is take shoes and socks off and take her hair tie/bow out. So on sunday mornings I get to church early just so I can make her presentable!

The rest of us :)

Adam and I have been here now for 2 years! It's gone by so fast and we have made some really awesome friends! Adam also got the position of being the assistant varsity boys soccer coach at the HS near our house. He will be doing that until beginning of November. The 3 of us are going on our first family vacation this summer to Gulf Shores and we can't wait! We are meeting my parents and siblings down there and will be staying in a house right on the beach! My family hasn't taken a vacation together in 15 years so we are looking forward to it. Adams parents plan on coming to visit us sometime this summer as well and we cant wait to have them here with us! My sister Olivia is also going to be spending some weeks here!

Come November we will be a family of 4! Please pray for healthy baby and delivery!


xo

The Trotters

Christmas at the ZOO

We had our first experience with Christmas at the ZOO with some of our friends! It was a chilly night but we had both of the girls (Tenley and her friend Nora) all bundled up in our nice wagon Adam's mom got us. We rode the train, saw some Dolphins and came close to a big Tiger! 

There are 2 One year olds all snuggled in there!

 Miss Nora

 Miss Tenley

 We went inside to get warm and watch the Dolphin show!

 Ooh Christmas TREE!

 The girls loved the big bright Tree!

 The Tiger was Tenley's favorite, she laughed and giggled at the tiger, she must had thought it was a big Prince dog. 

First Birthday!

So crazy to think our sweet litte girl is ONE! It was hard leading up to this day, I was an emotional wreck! On October 20th we celebrated the best year and blessing God has given Adam and I, our sweet baby girl. Here are some pictures of our "heart" themed party. We wish all our family and friends could had joined us!